Monday, July 8, 2013

What women want

I am reading a book about women and sex and it is affirming. This book singles out research that supports the idea that women are voracious and omnivorous when it comes to sex. They are aroused by almost any sign of sexuality, gay, straight or bestial, they tire of a partner quickly and are ready to have sex again almost as soon as they have uncoupled from a partner.

Of course this kind of research appeals to me. Like everyone I just want scientific evidence to support the little known fact that I am not abnormal, I am just like everybody else.  Societal values, this book suggests, stop women from following their true natures. I am denying my true nature. 

Sometimes, often, when I am enveloped by sadness, I know it is because I have abandoned the fulfilment of lust for the fulfilment of love.

I send out random feelers of lust to every passing warm body, heat seeking, sniffing out the possibility of sex.  

I know I am happy, but in the same way that I acknowledge humour - 'that's funny', I say, without so much as smiling whilst those around me are laughing and clinging to their guts.

I am happy. I know I am happy but the happiness of the love I want is a taught membrane over the cavernous gulf of voracious, indiscriminate lust. I finish, uncouple, and feel that warm contentment that comes with orgasm, but it is never long before that gulf opens wide and I am peering down into my disappointment. "I am so happy." I say, but my face makes a lie of it. 

I am. I am happy. I have the best in the world, but there are always more. And this book underlines a certain longing.