Return

I have returned to my sadness. I have returned to my regular masturbation. I am sad today, and because of this I did not politely log off before reaching for the comfort of it. I found a book and scanned the pages for something sexual. It was a book of sex but there was nothing of interest there. I heard the flat beep of another message and clicked over to read and answer it one-handed. The banal chatter, and me breaking my own rule and the sadness of it.

I became distracted by the search for sex that might also be beautiful. It was just words words words and he said 'so what do you think' and the fact that he asked was perhaps more erotic than the yellowed pages with their dog-eared corners and cracked spine. 'Should I do it?' he asked and so I put the book down. There was the flashing grey / blue of the square on the screen, a new colour, because you can change the colour now. It had a rhythm to it in counterpoint to some music I was playing on the laptop. And then there was his question. And him, oblivious. It was enough. I broke my own rule. Not in any earth-shattering way, just a quiet little blip and a rush of chemicals in my brain and I blinked and switched the little whirring thing off and typed, two-handed now, 'I don't know, I suppose so.'

And I felt less sad.

'got to go'

and I said

'yes'

*

I have things to do but I can't focus. I have a book to read and make notes about. I have things to plan and things to get done and I have become all slug and hibernation. I feel like I have done bad things and thought bad thoughts and now I have broken my own rule and I should be feeling bad about this too, but I am all full up with bad, and any more badness just slides off the top along with all the other things I could be sorry for.