"If you push me away, to make me prove that I will return, then I will not."
He has said this several times and it has troubled me.
"A girl once broke up with me to make me try to win her back. It didn't work. I let her go."
It makes me want to ensure my distance from him. When he says "I will not fight for you" it means "I do not care". If you care, you fight. This is the way with people.
A pattern.
If he didn't have anyone to go and dance with he would ask me. A last resort. Sometimes I would be waiting, dressed, just in case he might call. When he didn't I would light a candle and pretend that I had dressed for dinner by myself. Tofu, soaked in spiced sauce, tears a cigarette.
Then there were the times when I would wait in case something else fell through for her. She would join me in my bed if there were no other offer. I would stay home. I would wait, just in case.
Son now here is a plan. I will wait for no one. I am practicing how to say 'no' in case I am ever asked. I will not wait or even entertain the possibility of waiting.
I have been an afterthought. A fall back position. Sex in a casual kind of way. It is my constancy that is to blame. It is so easy to take me forgranted when I am always there.
Now I am gone. I really want a cigarette.
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