you and my sister

My sister disappears for a moment. She has a habit of disappearing. It is in her nature. We are so similar and yet it is described in different ways. I call you on the telephone and email you and sign in to chat and all of this to tell you I will not be contacting you. If I were my sister I would just disappear, change my email address, change my phone, move house, dig my heels in and become invisible in the manner of chameleons. We both hack and smash our way through friendships. Both she and I are much better on our own. Leave me, I say, go away, never speak to me again, and by this I mean just stay and hold me as tight as you can.

My sister’s phone is disconnected. Her email bounces back to not at this address. We will grow old, she and I, and we will become our ancestors. We will be strong and smart and shut off from the people who loved us best. All this of our own doing. All this because the world we make for ourselves constantly disappoints.

So know now that when I say go, I mean stay. When I say hate I mean love. When I say I would rather be alone I am so lonely that my bones feel like they are crumbling to nothing inside my thin skin which seems thick as armour.

My sister disappears, but if I wanted to I could find her. I could jump a plane and catch a bus and walk a bit with a map and I would recognise her because it would be like looking into a mirror. I also know how it will be, this re-uniting with myself. I will feel guilty. I will feel sad. I have been unforgivably hard on you who do not deserve it. I have said things that no one should say to someone who loves them. I have tried to wreck my bridges and dynamite my foundations and yet, we are still standing, my sister and I. And yet, you are still standing beside me.

I thank you for that.