no porn

a vain attempt to return to normalcy. I force myself back to pornography. I skip. A second from here, a visual from there, none of it to my liking? What was it that I liked again? Certainly not the way he holds her head and forces his penis into her mouth. Perhaps it is the way he hits her, spits on her, does that fast and furious piston action with his hips. No?

I struggle to imagine what I could find sexy in it as my body readies itself for whatever I may settle on, the skin flushing, my nipples pulling erect, the thickening of the labia. Anything really. I could come from the thought of someone walking around upstairs. I could come from the idea that all the little green lights on my gmail are people watching me. I could come from the warmth of the water and from the thought of all that has come before. I come from the pornography. It is relatively easy but when it is done I feel nothing. There are no small aftershocks. Only tenderness can stay with me through the day. Only intimacy. Perhaps, only the idea of beauty in the form of tenderness. Perhaps, only from the idea of a kiss.