only watched for a second

I saw a clip on facebook today. Someone on the top of a train in India. This filmed on a mobile phone and then uploaded and then passed around. The man hiding. someone trying to make him get off the top of the train. The man standing and walking. The man raising his arms. The sparks, twice, the man twitching then falling then smoking for the longest time.

And I felt nothing. At the time. But now a pervasive wonder at my own emotional disconnection. This replaying of my own non-reaction which is, in itself reaction enough.

But if you saw that on the street you would be effected, he tells me.

But the man died.

Like in ancient Rome where the lions tore apart the men and women but it happens at a remove. It is presented as theatre.

But the man died.

Like the time I saw a woman having sex with a male horse. I only watched for a second but I could tell she didn't want to do it and it wouldn't end well.

But the man died so what happened to the woman.

I didn't watch it till the end. I didn't want to watch it. I think she was forced to do it. It was filmed in mexico or something.

But the man died and the woman what happened to the woman?

Wouldn't end well, have you seen the size of a horse? Hung like a horse? Only watched for a second.

And I wonder how long I would watch it for. All the way through. Like the man on the train. And maybe I would go back and watch it again like I might with the man on the train. Not to reinforce the death or the pain or the disemboweling but to find out why I feel so little. Why I am removed from my own empathy.