Friday, August 1, 2008

first girl

So I wondered how I would appear in comparison. Less beautiful, less feminine, less. Generally less.

In the wild a female animal will mate with another female to make sure that her place in the pecking order is secure. Maybe I slept with her because she seemed so worldly, younger than me, perhaps, but more experienced. And when I was up close there was just the taste and texture of her, the idea that there was more to her, my hand, half disappearing inside her, my tongue, pushing as far as I could manage. The idea that somewhere inside her there would be something of myself, my feminine side, somehow buried inside her skin.

I found that I was shaking. I could not still my hand. It was the smell of her, the taste, my tongue thick with her viscosity. The back of my palate tingling with a strange new and not unpleasant taste. The pungent smell of her on my fingers, the sudden urge to push too hard, to enter her completely, to climb inside her.

I felt the lack of whatever it was I would need to enter her. I thought of Freud and how he would be proud of this kind of penis envy. I wanted to be inside her in a way that men had been inside her. I ached with the need to enter her. This would be the first of many nights of longing. I have grown used to this.

4 comments:

Song of the Siren said...

What does it take? What is the "lack of whatever" required to enter her. To penetrate her soul, see the light and find the truth.

Krissy Kneen said...

This is an enigmatic comment. When you say soul I start to think Christian Soul, if so I am keen to hear more. I'm not sure I have any Christian readers yet and I would be keen to hear their take on it. But Ms Siren you may just be speaking about the fact that one doesn't need a penis to penetrate a gal. So true, but if you read back through my posts I struggle with my relationship to gender. I also have a cupboard fetish. Thanks for the cryptic comment. x

Song of the Siren said...

My,my I thought you would be tempted with my teasing cliche. How funny you found it so Christian! Why does the mention of the soul spark such a puritanical image in your mind? x

Krissy Kneen said...

Oh my goodness - on-line flirtation. I love it. OK so this is about the penis envy thing. I can't help it Ms Siren. I want one. I think I would have fun with it. I enjoy the bits I got but I want more too.