forgetting

I have already begun to forget the nice things you have said about me. I remember "old" and "age difference" but all else seems to blur into a vague idea of something overheard in an elevator. Some joke perhaps that involved positive comments about my appearance, spoken with irony. For instance, I know that you said 'you look good today' and my mind began to instantly reframe it. 'you look good today' becomes 'you look better than you do under normal circumstances'. 'I find you sexy' could be read as 'I feel sorry that you are so sad about your looks, here, have this little crumb of flattery and it will make me feel good to see you cheer up a little'. 'I would sleep with you' means, 'I would close my eyes and try not to think too much about what is occuring and then we might go to bed together'.

These are the voices in my head. This is the girl who cannot believe that she could ever be loved. This is the woman who is about to have a book published and is already seeing her book discounted to $7.95 in the bargain bin with a black nikko pen mark across its spine. Why can't I just settle and enjoy this. I have what I want. I have it right now. I have my life and my love and my books, and the knowledge that you, at a stretch and with the correct lighting might find me attractive.