Sex and self-doubt. He says that these are my themes and he is right. The sex is easy. The self doubt seems to complicate my life somewhat. He drifts along in the wake of one pretty girl after another and I wonder why I will never be a boat that sways him. Still we are on parallel courses, twin hulls, bumping against each other with a hollow thud and continuing on in tandem. We will keep each other company until one or the other of us is drawn in a different direction and we part.
Still every time he is distracted by a hint of perfume or softly powdered skin, I find I am weighing myself against the various girls and finding myself lacking. I do not have what is needed to draw his attention. Not for a moment. This makes me sad.
I am happily married. I am happy. He is my friend. I wonder why I need this kind of errant crush. this validation of my affection. I do not need his attention. I do not need his love. I do not need his desire. But I desire it.
Still. We will do something else together.
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