Honesty

I think perhaps I use sex as a way of avoiding a serious connection. If I feel uncomfortable in conversation I avoid it by bypassing emotional intimacy for something more raw and physical. Of course now, in this new, married incarnation of myself I cannot rely on this simple magician's trick to sweep away the awkwardness. I struggle with my need to break through the surface of things. I avoid a casual hug. I shy away from massages. I fill the silences with a million unfinished projects which must be completed in a blind hurry. I have so many friends that I have no friends. When I am alone with my own company I trawl the internet for porn to save me from an awkward silence being alone with myself. I see myself as some hard shelled crustacean. Opening to a scrap of soft pink nothing.