There is a sudden natural disaster. So many dead that it is easier to count the living. This is the kind of thing that sorts us out, the ones who run around rudderless, the ones who rise to their natural ability to cope under pressure. It is one of those hypertheticals to give us some perspective on our lives. What if there were a sudden disaster? So I think about it, floods, earthquakes, war even. And that brings me to him.
Yes. I would like him to be safe. Yes I would choose to have him in my bunker, despite the fact that he sometimes irritates me. Yes I say I am over it and yet, in the case of a nuclear disaster I would not be over it at all. I say I do not trust him and yet, in the case of a major catastrophe I would choose to have him near me. I have put emotional distance between us but it is mostly an illusion. Reach out and touch him and I realise now that it is just a trick of perspective. He is closer than I pictured him.
I am very loyal despite myself. My fantasies betray me. I have not moved on, I am just protecting myself from the hurt that he is quick to meter out without even trying. I am just wrapping myself up in felt and holding tight as he buffets me roughly, hoping that my hull won't crack. He does not mean harm. He is just blindly going about life as he always has half care, half careless. He does not think to be gentle because he can't see the impact of his small actions.
He smells good. This is one reason to accept him into the bunker. I hold him into my body, a quick hug and it is a comforting scent. I am still happy to protect myself from his clumsy lies and his barbed-silences, but I lie on the couch and I breathe him in and I know I will not shake myself free of him so easily now that he is a part of my story.
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