One of them has left the country. One of them is just a fabrication. All of them are a distraction, a wheel of stone to hone my fractious emotions on. The ones I truly love, I love completely and there does not really need to be anything but care and respect in those few precious relationships. The ones I don't love are just passing faces. The parade. Today, without having slept, I can see how little they mean in the scheme of things. If I am not loved then that is all well and good and fine. I need nothing from you. Stay or go, it does not matter to me now.
Today my ego is not fragile, it has dissipated. I am me. Here I am. This is it. Look, or don't look, I don't really care.
Without a current crush I feel somehow flat. I will have myself to contend with. I will be less than distracted. I will see it all with the kind of clarity that rattles me.
It is all fabrication really, this looking outside of myself. It is all smoke and mirrors. I am just finding things to put in my way, things to give me a moment of relief from the truth. You? You have your own story and suddenly I don't need to know it or to understand.
Life, ultimately is about distracting ourselves from the knowledge that there really is no point.
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