pub

Stumble home drunk. I have built up a tolerance and yet this one time I had overindulged. It was riotous fun, the pub, and me sitting beside my latest crush enjoying the pure unadulterated joy of his physical presence and then there at home, the little confession.

Nothing to be worried about. I am content. I will not be running off and complicating things. I am content to sit quiet in my admiration, reveling in the occasional fantasy and the rush of lust.

Perhaps it was the alcohol or the late hour or my euphoria, but the misunderstanding buoyed me up. A mutual admiration. Someone that I liked liked me too. This has only happened the one time with my husband. The one great reciprocation of my life. I felt my self esteem swelling. I felt myself find my feet, feel more solid in them. I was attractive, and not just to the love of my life. I was admired and lusted after and I floated above it all. Too high. Too drunkenly high.

And for days I floated. I had less acid spite when selling a book by Leunig. I grinned at young lovers holding hands. Pretty girls stood at the counter and I did not judge myself against them. I was loved. I was attractive. Someone I lusted after lusted after me in return.

I will not do anything about this, I said to him in my ignorant bliss. I am content just to know it, and my joy obliterated his grimace.

A misunderstanding. A gross misunderstanding. He slunk around me for days harbouring a gnawing sense of guilt I suppose. His smiles were coy, and I misinterpreted this as shyness, a confession that perhaps he should not have made. An honesty that would leave us embarrassed one day.

Until he felt the need to put me straight. Honest man. Good man. I would not thank him for his honesty and yet, when the humiliation had dissipated there would be a quiet understanding.

He was a good choice. A noble choice. And yes, I would always love him, even when the sting of lust had dissipated, I would be left with this overwhelming sense of love and trust. This perhaps I can hold on to forever. This perhaps will link our fates together now and for a long time yet to come.