F is For Fetish

From Dictionary.com

–noun

1.	an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.

2.	any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.

3.	Psychology. any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

Krissy:

1. Before bed there is a ritual. To speak of it is to lessen it's potential to protect me. It is enough to say that this has kept me from night terrors since I was a child. Perhaps this all began with the thing I did with soft toys, giving them magical potency that would protect me from myself. I am my worst enemy. I chase myself through dreams, hopping from one horror to another without let up. I use my ritual to give myself some meger sense of control over these terrors. Still my dreams are filled with death and severed body parts and a sense of powerlessness. I perservere with my private ritual because perhaps I am keeping out some even greater terrors with these repetitions. Of course the heart of this fetish is sexual. Sex is the single most powerful tool I call my own. I therefore shake my sexual fetish at the gathering dark and hide under the covers, weathering the storm till the breaking of each new day.

2. You have a pedestal set under you. I am old enough to know better. I set one person or another in this elevated position from which you might fall. You have been fetishised and I appologise in advance. I know that you will dissapoint me and I will prove this to myself one sacrificial angel after another. The sound of youf tumble makes me sad and satisfied all at once. If you can fall then so can I. And so I do. One dull thud after another as I continue to dissapoint myself, tumbling from my unrealistic expectations again and again.

3. Variety is the spice of life. A cliche, but an accurate one. Some of us have the tenacity to develop a fetish for one thing or the other. It is true that even fetishists need some kind of escalation. Higher and higher heels, stronger and stronger pain, longer and longer moments of strangulation. There is an incremental creep towards more risky practices and I see the appeal, I do, but I have no committment to it. I am more scatter-gun in my approach, rubber one day, leather the next, humiliation, domination, missionary and doggy style. I am the victim of my own whims which I change daily like my socks or underwear. I would like to throw myself into one fetish or another, but I am afraid I lack commitment or the ability to finish what I have begun.